Mental Health, Identity Crisis, and Pregnancy

The start of the new decade. I decided not to make any resolutions but make goals instead. There isn’t a New year and New me. I’m the same as I was before. I just learned and improved and will continue to do so. I don’t think you have to change everything about yourself each year. Just continue working on your physical and mental health and improving yourself.

This pregnancy has been a bit of a roller coaster. I feel guilty for still dealing with my mental health and that doesn’t make sense. Being pregnant doesn’t cure me of the mental illness I was dealing with before. I feel like I have to hide this at times and only mention it occasionally but put some positive in there as well. People expect pregnancy to be a bunch of joy and everything is fine. That is farther from the truth. I have been dealing with anxiety, depression, identity crisis, and Impostor Syndrome. I tell myself I shouldn’t feel this way because a lot of people have it worse and I’m very fortunate to have my partner and support from my community online and family though this. Even with all of this I have to remind myself that mental health doesn’t care about any of that. It’s okay to not be completely happy or okay while pregnant. Your mental health or mental illness doesn’t take a break. Make sure to look after yourself as well.

I talked to my doctor about it during my second trimester and am prescribed Zoloft which is helping some what. I have been focusing on starting to get things done each day. Like reading for at least 30 minutes or practicing mindfulness for at least 10 minutes. Recently I have realized that even though I want to help people with mental health and mental illness that I haven’t been working on the deep issues that I have or my mental illness as much as I thought I was doing. Thankfully I have been able to keep running and my workouts during my pregnancy. I’m currently in my third trimester and I’m 29 weeks pregnant. I have a picture from 28 weeks pregnant but not much size change has happened. I’m working on a lot right now like dealing with the fear of death, my past, working on staying in the present, etc..I think this will be a life long journey so I’m trying not to be to hard on myself.

I feel like a lot of my accomplishments are fake and feel like I need to do more. I feel like someone is going to call me a fake because I don’t know enough information. There have been a lot of days dealing with this as well. Acknowledging the faulty thinking and forgiving myself for it. Forgiving myself for having such high expectations on myself. Identity crisis seems to be a permanent personality trait and it is very frustrating. I second guess my religious choices and I’m not sure why I keep doing this. I think it might be because of my Borderline Personality Disorder. This year I’m looking into Wicca and Christianity and figuring out which would be best for me. I know there are Christian Wiccan but I prefer to keep those two things separate. I will not be forcing myself to choose something out of fear or guilt of disappointing anyone.

One of the accomplishments that I’m really proud of is getting to level 8 on Crisis Text Line. I have helped a little over 1,000 texters and I can’t wait to continue with this journey. Planning to work on posting and interacting on my blog more, reading 12 books this year, mindfulness, self-care, self-love, and keeping my mind and body healthy. I’m really proud of my mom who has started her own health and fitness journey this year.

Being pregnant has changed my views on a lot of things and has changed my priorities. I want to be a good role model, it’s having me look at how I treat myself and others more, I’m amazed with seeing my baby and feeling her move, and I’m so excited to see her but I’m also nervous. The only thing I can do is try to keep improving and being gentle with myself when I have bad days or moments.

Pregnancy and a New Year doesn’t change you or bad behaviors over night. It takes time and patience and learning self-love. It’s okay if you’re not at the place you thought you would be at by this age. It’s okay that you have times where you struggle. Be gentle with yourself and reach out for help when you need it. You deserve to feel supported. You can text HOME to 741741 to get support.

I have to remind myself to do this at times. Be gentle with yourself and know that you matter.

I’m pregnant and update

I found out I was pregnant in August. It was a shock to me and my partner. It’s unexpected and not planned. Last month has felt hectic mainly because I had to deal with nausea, constantly tired, I was put on bed rest which sucks, etc..

I’m a very active person and I enjoy running, riding my bike, HIIT, strength training with and without weights, etc..Exercising was a way for me to stay physically healthy and mentally healthy. I was told to stop taking my medications last month. At first, I didn’t experience a lot of symptoms from my mental health so I wasn’t too concerned. Some people had fewer symptoms from their mental health while pregnant. That is not the case with me. When I was put on bed rest I thought I could enjoy binging anime or shows or movies, playing games, and reading books. Possibly coloring in my app or adult coloring books. I have been dealing with anxiety over if the baby is okay and the future. I worry about if I will be a good mom or not. It’s hard for me to stay focused on things.

Last month and the start of this month has honestly been a struggle. My parents and family are excited about the pregnancy but I sometimes have mixed feelings about it. Even though I have had my ultrasound and over 10 positive pregnancy tests it still feels a bit unreal. I’m excited and very scared.

I have been able to binge-watch a few episodes of an anime and started watching Demon Slayer. Looked more into Wicca and read a little more into 26 Marathons by Meb Keflezighi.

I’m doing my best to start practicing self-care and self-love. My goals have changed but it’s okay. Some days it’s better than others and other days I feel sad that some of my plans have to change.  I’m trying to forgive myself and not live in regret. I was able to complete a shift on Crisis Text Line recently and that made me feel amazing. I’m just trying to stay in the present and take it one day at a time. I’m hoping that I can get clear to start working out again and be put on some medications. I have walked slow and short and the good thing is I’m keeping my house cleaned. It’s the little things. I will get through this. I’m not a failure and I’m a work in progress.

Craving cigarettes and hitting a mental wall

I didn’t think I would be the type of person that started smoking cigarettes. To be honest I never understood why people would start if the knew the harm it caused.

To be honest I was feeling pressured and stressed from dealing with borderline personality disorder, schizpaffective, and bipolar. I was also dealing with low self esteem and self worth. On top of that my weight was getting out of control due to unhealthy eating, little activities, and the medication I was on at the time.

I thought that one or two cigarettes would be fine. After a while I was smoking about one pack a day and sometimes a little more. I was becoming a chain smoker. It was putting a strain on my fitness and my running. Starting my exercise and fitness journey helped when it came to me finally deciding to quit smoking.

Running is one the things that is helping me stay away from cigarettes. I don’t want to ruin my progress. I also don’t want to ruin my health and what I’m attempting to improve. I haven’t smoked a cigarette in 9 months. June will make 1 year without smoking. Unfortunately I still have cravings. I still want to go buy a pack of cigarettes a smoke one if I’m stressed or feeling overwhelmed.

I worry sometimes that I won’t be able to fully be smoke free but I’m trying my best. I’m trying to take it one day at a time. I know that quitting smoking has improved my running and my cardio workouts. I don’t feel as tired and I can breathe easier. I try to remind myself of this when I’m having cravings. The first week of my quit was the worst but I made it though and now I’m close to 1 year. A motto I use is not another puff no matter what. If I was to smoke a cigarette I will have to reset my quit date. I would hate to have to lose all of that progress.

When I have a craving I will go for a run, bike ride, walk, workout, or even play Just Dance. Working out can release endorphins and it can help a lot with cravings.

Recently I have been focusing more on my mental health. Sometimes I feel drained just trying to get though the day. It feels that I hit a mental wall but I think posting to my blog would help me if I stay consistent. I also started training for crisis text hotline and I hope to be able to let others know they aren’t alone. I want to be able to support others.

Some days it’s hard for me to just be productive but I’m just taking it one step and one hour at a time. I’m also exploring my faith. Currently still identify as Christian. Sometimes this does help me with my anxiety. I don’t know if that’s a weird way to see it or not but for me it’s helping.

Currently working on accomplishing goals like streaming Just Dance and games on twitch, possibly starting a YouTube channel to raise awareness about mental health, volunteer text crisis as a counselor, fitness goals, participate in the great cycle challenge, take medication and see my therapist and doctors as well as look after my mental health.

Also practice more self love and self care and spend time with my cats and the ones I love.

 

 

 

Alexis – Live coach on Gixo app and promotes self care and self love

 

Jasmine – Hello and thank you for taking time to answer my questions. Can you briefly introduce yourself to everyone?

Alexis – My name is Alexis Craig and I am a Fitness Coach for Gixo.

 

Jasmine – What initially got you into fitness?

Alexis – My brother was in a car accident and became a quadriplegic. He is paralyzed from the neck down. Even though the doctors said it was impossible – a fitness trainer taught him to walk again. This was so so inspiring to me and made me see fitness as a way to really help people improve their lives.

 

Jasmine – How did you start working for Gixo? What do you enjoy about working for Gixo?

Alexis – I started working for Gixo at the very beginning. Before that I was a self-employed fitness trainer for a decade, with no intention of working as an employee. But when I heard that Selina Tobaccowala was involved, and that the mission was to actually help people in an affordable way – I could not resist getting involved. I love working with the Gixo team – it is a really creative, kind, and intelligent team… but my FAVORITE part of working for Gixo is meeting the teammates. As a personal trainer I mostly work with people who can afford to pay me over $100 an hour. It frustrates me that health and fitness that actually works is often so expensive. It’s great to be able to help people all over the US and the world who I would probably never otherwise meet, and at a much much more affordable price.

 

Jasmine – What are some of the Gixo classes you teach? Do you enjoy using Gixo when you’re not coaching?

Alexis – I coach pretty much every class that Gixo has to offer. My favorite to coach is Gixo yoga. I feel like I get just as much of a benefit out of the experience as the teammates in class do. When I’m not coaching, sometimes I just drop into Gixo classes just to say hi to my friends who are in class – either coaching or working out. I also love using Gixo as motivation to help me get moving to walk or run… without it I find running TORTUROUS.

 

Jasmine – I like to promote physical activity. I also think it’s important to promote self care and mental health. How do you practice self care and mental health? How can exercise help with this?

Alexis – I think it’s great that you promote fitness and self-care and mental health together… I am all about it. For me the key to self-care is really staying present to what is going on inside me. I use my physical body to tap into my emotional body. When I need to make a decision – I feel into my belly. When I need to calm down, I consciously relax my shoulders. When I notice I am clenching my glutes – it generally means that I am trying to overly control a situation. The mind-body connection is really powerful — and exercise and yoga are a really great way to learn the language of the body.

 

Jasmine – What advice would you give someone who wants to make fitness and healthy nutrition a habit?

Alexis – This is a great question. Honestly I think someone who wants to make health a habit is automatically on the right track. I find that a lot of people are so focussed on the outcome that they want to achieve that they try to take shortcuts rather than creating a habit to last a lifetime. Fitness and health is a life-long practice. It is an ultra-ultra-marathon… not a sprint. There are no shortcuts. Creating habits is the key. Practicing kindness toward the self is also essential. If you want to build a body that you love – you have to love the body you already have. The other things that people overlook is that it is really important to surround yourself with other people who are on the path of health and fitness as well. And – it has to be fun. Don’t choose a path in fitness that you hate. Don’t commit to workouts you dread. Figure out what activities you are so excited to do you can’t wait to start… even if they aren’t as hard core or “effective” as whatever the fad workout of the moment is. The most effective workout is the one that you actually do.

 

Jasmine – How can Gixo help people achieve their fitness goals? What are the advantages of having a live coach?

Alexis – Gixo is awesome for so many reasons. It is SO MUCH more fun to workout in a live class than it is in to do a workout video by yourself. The community I was talking about that is so important is basically built in to the app (and the Gixo Teammates facebook group). Gixo also gives people access to a trainer who really knows their shit – and for a super cheap price. This is really important, especially for people who are just starting to workout – or just getting back into it – or whose body has changed a lot. Having a trainer there to actually guide you helps you know what to do if you need to modify an exercise to be appropriate for you… and it helps you to stay true to your intention to finish the class because you know someone is actually going to notice if you don’t. The trainers never shame you or call you out in a mean way – it’s just knowing that someone will actually see you give up that often keeps people going. Plus the trainers are funny and encouraging and inspiring… so you just want to be there. In general Gixo helps because it’s not just an app – it’s a way to connect with actual people for real support in real time.

 

Jasmine – Thank you for answering my questions. Your commitment to fitness and encouragement on my journey and others have been amazing. Any advice or tips you would like to give people getting into fitness? Anything else you would like to add about yourself?

Alexis – My advice to people getting into fitness is that everyone starts somewhere. The first step to being really good at something is totally sucking at it. I guarantee that nobody in class is thinking anything bad about you – even though you might be thinking bad about yourself. The advice that I think people who are just getting started on their fitness journey need is – start small. Don’t try to be all extreme and go on a crazy diet and do some extreme workouts. Start with doing a little something every day. Change one little thing at a time. That way it is sustainable and can be a change that lasts a lifetime.

 

I really appreciate Alexis taking the time to answer my questions. I have been a part of the Gixo community for a little over 1 year. The coaches are there to help and motivate everyone. The community is friendly and encouraging. They have HIIT, running, treadmill, kickboxing, strength training with and without weights, yoga, pilates, etc.. As of this blog being published I have completed 610 classes. Gixo has helped me love running and motivated me to spread my love of fitness even more. They don’t try to compare your progress and will help you modify exercises when needed. If you want to try Gixo for free you can use my code Jazzy. 

If you have any questions regarding Gixo feel free to leave a comment and I will help you the best way I know how. 

 

 

From 2016-Present Fitness and Mental Journey

I was skinny and small when I was younger. When I started taking medication for my mental health and I became less active I started gaining weight. I would also use food to help me feel better and I ate when I was bored.

October 2016 I was tired of not liking what I was doing to my body. I was no longer taking care of myself. I decided to start out walking. I would track my walks with map my run and I used a app called achievement to earn points to get $10. That was a bit of motivation for me. I didn’t live to far away from my parents so I would walk to their house and walk around where they live. Pokemon Go came out and that made me have more motivation to walk outside.

I lost a good amount of weight with walking. I also slowly started changing my nutrition. I would drink more water, eat on smaller plates, and tracked my food with myfitnesspal. I also took before and after pictures. You can’t always rely on the scale. Sometimes there are changes in your body that the scale won’t show. Are body weight will fluctuate thoughout the day. Sometimes it’s best to celebrate non scale victories like fitting into certain clothes better, being consistent with your fitness and nutrition, improving on your workouts, etc..

I wasn’t weighing my food at the time. Eventually I started using Leslie Sansone who does indoor walking and that adds resistance and strength training to music and I still enjoy her workouts. Leslie Sansone has DVDs and Youtube videos and a app that has a plan for you to follow. I found Fitnessblender which was a game changer for me. I love how Kelli and Daniel are amazing. I love how they show how tired they are during the workouts, they don’t push products on you, and they are so supportive and offer amazing advice. Here is a link if you want to know more about them https://www.fitnessblender.com/page/about-fitness-blender

I have tried Jillian Micahels who is a fitness trainer and has DVDs and her app, Beach Body which is subscription based video streaming service that offers a variety of programs from different trainers, Fitbod that helps you figure out your way around the gym or how to use your body weight or equipment you have available , Aaptiv which is a audio based fitness app that has music and great trainers, and various workout videos. I started weighing my food last year and being more accurate with tracking what I eat and I started consuming more protein. I started running last year and I have participated in 14 races and ran over 1,000 miles last year.

A few things I’m using this year are Gixo which offers a encouraging community, variety of workouts that you need minimum and sometimes no equipment for, and a live coach. I’m also using Fitnessblender more, and I hired a amazing coach for my running from run4prs. That community is super encouraging and the coaches make sure you’re following a plan that helps you become successful without injury and they are happy to answer any questions or concerns. I’m also figuring out what out workout videos to follow or apps to use.

I enjoy strength training, riding my bike which I started riding last year, running and started that last year, HIIT is High Intensity Interval Training, different forms of cardio, yoga, and Pilates. It’s great to try out different forms of exercise.

During my fitness journey I definitely celebrated non scale victories and some of those are drinking more water, I quit smoking, consuming more protein, improving my mental health, my clothes started to fit better, and I love how passionate I feel about fitness now. I started at 200 pounds and now I’m 125 pounds. I started this journey just to lose weight but now I workout because I love how it makes me feel and it helps me mentally. I went from not being in the best place mentally or physically to improving my mental health and my physical ability. I workout and eat as healthy as I can to celebrate what my body is capable of and love and take care of the body that God has given me.

This year I’m working on running 2,109 miles to 3,000 miles, love myself more and improve mental health, run a half marathon in less than 2 hours, complete a marathon 4:30:00, do more than 14 races, use Nuun hydration more, have 10,000 steps or more daily, ride my bike more, stay consistent with my nutrition and workouts, and motivate and encourage others on their fitness journey.

I also became a ambassador for Gixo and Nuun during my fitness journey. It has been amazing and I can’t wait to see what I can achieve.

2010 comparison to present day

2018 was a emotional rollercoaster

I’m sitting at this laptop trying to get my thoughts together to express how 2018 has been for me. It’s a little difficult to be honest. I want to make sure people understand. It’s weird how fast this year seems to have ended. It feels like it was just January.

I have this weird fear of tomorrow of the start of 2019. I’m excited but I’m scared. I’m currently dealing with the fear of dying. I’m not sure why but this year has really brought that fear up more. I’m trying to practice mindfulness and live in the moment.

Now back to how 2018 has been. I worked at FedEx Ground Trace Center. It was a interesting experience. I was trying to prove that I could work. It did bring me a lot of anxiety however. I was laid off with at least 200 hundred other people when the call center lost their contract with FedEx. It was hard for me to deal with. I felt broken at first. I worked for the same call center again but for NBA but had to quit because of my mental health.  I tried out a app called Aaptiv, Fitbod, and Gixo. Fitbod helped me when I started working out at the gym and when I started being consistent I started seeing results, Aaptiv helped me enjoy running on the treadmill, and Gixo helped me enjoy working out with people even if it’s virtually. I have completed 531 classes with Gixo in one year. I feel really accomplished with that. I’m also starting to use Aaptiv more.

My mental health has been all over the place this year and I’m now starting to practice mindfulness more and taking my medication consistently. I have experienced thoughts of wanting to die, I compared myself to others, doubting my self worth, worrying about my relationship even though my fiancé keeps reassuring me, anxious about things and not knowing why, and drastic mood swings or feeling insane or even numb. I also have had good days where I have come to be okay with being a stay at home fiancé without kids, not worrying as much about people judging my choices, and making a bigger effort in taking care of my mental health.

I started running this year, I have completed a few 5k races including virtual ones, one 10k, two half marathons, and a Garmin virtual marathon. I have completed 14 races this year. I have run 1,2719 miles, completed at least 100 miles or more since April, and completed 200 miles in December. I have placed in my age group in majority of my races. I completed 10k under 60 minutes and placed 2nd overall female. I met a amazing and inspiring woman who has been running since her 20s and is now around 70.

I have worked and tried my best in the things I have done, interacted with amazing people online and during the races, I’m a Gixo ambassador and that to me is amazing since I love the coaches and community, I started being more involved in my fitness journey, and I signed up for a marathon in Little Rock March 3rd,2019. I have lost around 73 pounds so far. I stopped smoking cigarettes for 6 months. June 23rd, 2019 will make 1 year. I also am more involved in the fitness community and I started this blog. I also attended my first gay pride parade with my younger brother and his friends, I marched in the parade, met a friend because I took the courage to talk to someone new even if we don’t talk anymore, I met the singer behind the 90s Sailor Moon, and met the voice of Xemnas and had items signed from both. It’s been a emotional ride but a exciting one. I even celebrated 5 years with my fiancé. I also finally cut my hair the way I wanted it. It’s freeing and I don’t regret it.

Some of my 2019 resolutions are participate in as many races as I can, run 2,019 miles, complete a sub 2 hour half marathon, a 4:30:00 marathon, take care of my mental health as much as I take care of my mental health, reduce drinking alcohol, reduce junk food I eat, consistent with my nutrition and workouts, and to stay in the moment and enjoy life.

For those that don’t think they did enough this year or didn’t accomplish enough. You’re wrong. You’re amazing and the fact that you’re breathing and making it to another year is amazing. Please don’t be to hard on yourself. You will crush your goals and make it.

If you make New Year resolutions what are some of the goals you hope to accomplish?