I have been procrastinating on writing this blog the majority of today. I’m also sorry for the lack of consistency with my posts. I think about posting and talk myself out of it.
Each year will eventually end and that makes sense. Yet when the months start getting closer to December my mind goes into flight or fight mode. I start obsessively thinking of what I have been doing each month and if I was productive enough, I spent my time wisely, I question my worth, etc..I do this each and every year. It’s driving me nuts, to be honest.
I feel the need to explain myself to people and to somehow justify my existence. Why I deserve to even be alive. Justify why I don’t work or why I never graduated from college. I’m trying my best to stop overly explaining things. If people are going to judge me based on the limited information they are missing out on expanding and learning about other people.
I’m sure I have mentioned this before but I didn’t think I would live past 18 years old and with each passing year I’m amazed that I’m still alive. Not because I go through something traumatic each year or because I have a life-threating illness. Dealing with untreated mental health I felt like I would have ended my life by or before 18 years old.
My goal in life and the reason I think I’m alive is to try to help and support others when I can, accept the good and the bad that happens, spend time with loved ones, make choices that will make me happy even if others don’t agree, and to live in the moment.
Maybe in the past, I felt that attempting to stay positive all the time or at least reject any negative thoughts or emotions was the right thing to do. I believe I even told people that before. My views on it are a bit different now. Now I believe that it’s okay to acknowledge your negative thoughts or emotions. You don’t have to ignore them and pretend like they don’t exist but the important thing is to not dwell on them and let it control you. Doing my best to be consistent with mindfulness can be helpful.
Volunteering with the Crisis Text Line has also helped me feel like I can help others feel less alone and offer them support.
It’s almost the end of November and the beginning of December and I’m starting to panic a little but am doing my best to practice self-care and mindfulness. Dealing with mental illness each day, month, and the year is a struggle but all we can do is our best to make it through life. Embracing the good and the bad and not feeling like a horrible human being when we have our bad days.
Sometimes I wonder if my blogs make sense or if people are reading them. At this point, I do enjoy posting here and it can help relieve stress but I need to work on the negative self-talk I do with myself when I attempt to blog or even work on my creative writing projects.
We are all a work in progress, we will never know everything, and that is okay. You don’t have to wait until a New Year to work on yourself or make goals. You can start anytime you want. That’s what I keep telling myself as well. You don’t have to constantly judge yourself for how you spent your year. It doesn’t matter if you’re 16 or 40 or older because it’s okay to still be learning and improving. It’s okay to not have everything figured out.
There is only so much planning someone can do and even those plans won’t work out the way you want all the time. All we can do it try our best and attempt to live the best lives we can.